Touch and Go

I find myself depressing very easily lately.  Of course, the brain likes to go to the worst case scenario everytime it thinks of the situation.  I find I'm always worried about my kids and my wife, especially if I were not around.  I usually just try to put on a smile, joke around, and try to forget about it all.  Usually it works, occasionally, though, I find myself sitting, staring off into space, thinking about it.

Saturday was, by far, the hardest day I have had since hearing about the tumor.  I imagine it was because I didn't have my job to distract me.  At work I am able to focus on a specific task and I am able to use my brain power for the task, it is not difficult to remain focused without thinking about all of my problems.

Yesterday evening I was playing Phase 10 with Char and the kids.  I found myself getting overlyfrustrated that I was not able to get the second phase.  So frustrated, in fact, that I finally had to leave the game or I felt like I was going to "lose it."  I thought to myself, "Ken, this is so stupid.  Why are you letting this get to you?"  I didn't care before.  It was "just a game."  I guess our minds like to play tricks on us sometimes.  Needless to say, what was supposed to be a family game, ended quickly and I left, feeling worse than I was before.  I'm such an idiot sometimes.

On my plate today?  I get to give the Gospel Doctrine lesson in Sunday School.  I have read through the lesson and tried to prepare for it a number of times this week without much success.  I'm going to have to rely on the Lord to get me through this one, I'm afraid.  We'll see how it goes.

How it all started

In March, I went to my normal endocrinologist appointment.  While there I complained about my hands trembling often when I am trying to go to sleep.  So often, in fact, that I had been sleeping on my thumbs to keep them from trembling.  My endocrinologist decided to send me to a neurologist to see if I could get some help for it.  In late March, I went to see him.  He set me up with a batch of tests.  A sleep test for my Sleep Apnea, lab work to determine an irregularities in my blood, and a CT scan to check things out in my brain.

When I went in for my follow up appointment during the second week of May, the doctor said he was a little concerned about an area that is probably just a calcium deposit and not likely anything major to worry about.  He sent me back to the lab to get an MRI of my brain and to follow up with him as soon as possible after the MRI.  Last week I had the MRI and we were able to get a follow up appointment for Wednesday morning, May 26.

At my appointment, Char and I were told that I had a small tumor in my brain that would have to be removed and the doctor quickly set up a visit with a neurosurgeon later that morning.  When we went to the neurosurgeon's office, the doctor explained the need to to get the tumor out.  The following points were discussed:

1) Tumor is near the brain stem.  If the tumor grows into the brain stem, I will begin to lose some life functions (swallowing, breathing, etc.)

2) Tumor is benign although it has gotten bigger over many years.  It does not appear to be cancerous.

3) It appears to be huge to me, but the doctor says it is a relatively small tumor in size.

4) Surgery will happen soon, though we are not sure when.

5) Following the surgery, I will need radiation treatment to make sure the cells of the tumor are dead. Chemotherapy may also be needed.

6) Doctor says he anticipates that I will be back to normal in time for work in the Fall.